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i want you to know that you are doing enough + you

i want you to know that you are doing enough + you couldn’t have done more

that this isn’t your fault,
it was not something (or a million little things) you did or thought or said

you are where you are and it’s okay
you are doing what you are supposed to do

you are enough
_
#gentlereminder #youareenough #incantation #stateofokay #soften #feelitall #soulful #moonchild #mantra #wordsfromsoul #oracle #channeledmessage #inhale

there are good weeks, weeks i can almost believe t

there are good weeks, weeks i can almost believe that my body is able and my mind is free and i m just another human, living my life. and then there are weeks like this one, i forget how horrible they are every time after a day or two but in the thick of it i imagine this is what purgatory most be like (this and hospital waiting rooms)

every day there’s the hope and then the reality. the not being able to do even the simple things, when taking a shower and having lunch and drinking enough are the biggest struggles. when scrolling and watching mindless tv is all i can do. it’s like i can feel my body and my mind dissolve

along with the immobility comes the pain, my hips and back are burning but i can’t shake it out. i’ve been “training” for daily walks and i know i will have to start the process over again. i have to keep eating because i have to take my meds, you know the ones that are keeping me alive, but eating is also the hardest thing ever

it might seem like a nice time out when your life is busy, but trust me, resting, especially having to rest, gets very old after a day or two, stuck in your body, when you can’t even read or do something engaging and all there is left is waiting

i know this will pass as well. that it’s the ebb and flow, better days will come as they always do, but right now it doesn’t feel like that, so i rest, i wait, i specialise in pit pull videos and let the cats sleep on top of me for hours

inhale
exhale
i am here
this is life too
_
#lifewithcancer #thisiswhatcancerlookslike #spoonielife #chronicallyill #unrest #soften #napfluencer #feelingitall #embodied #cats #therapoes #brafmutation

we are walking out of the doctor’s office, he wa

we are walking out of the doctor’s office, he waves us off and we do our walk through the waiting room, glad that this time it doesn’t feel like a walk of shame and a test to see if i can make it to the door before the tears start falling. we bump fists and i text family and we get celebratory ice creams but at the edge there is annoyance and it think that i probably need a nap and it’s been a long day and all of that is true but there is something more here as well

throughout the evening more and more people get in touch and i love them for it but i also want to hurl my phone into a wall. i start picking fights with you and then i start crying and it hits me

i should be happy right now but i’m not, i’m just reminded of all the things i’ve lost

of how, when we first started treatment, doctors told me i’d be done by now, cancer free, back in the normal world. i’m reminded of the bad luck to be here, all the odds that where so tiny and yet here we are. 3 more months in limbo, or maybe 6 of 9, living life in 3 month increments, from scan to scan, hoping the meds keep working, my body keeps working, we can get on top of this situation. this is the thing you can’t possibly explain to people unless they’ve been there, how it feels like a suspended life, how i’m at the same time so lucky and so unlucky to be here

i should be happy, and i am, but i’m also deeply sad, grieving, angry, lost, so tired
_
#whatcancerlookslike #bowelcancer #brafmutation #fullmoon #moonvibes #moonchild #feelitall #becoming #journal #embodied #livinginabody #soften

breathe it all in let it settle in your bones a co

breathe it all in
let it settle in your bones
a container for love and joy and sunshine and softness

creating beauty, grasping it with both hands, going on adventures even when i’m wobbly

inhale
_
#pocketsofjoy #everydaymagic #iloveyouiloveyou #summervibes #soften #inhale #spells #moonchild #mooileuven #exploring #adventures #travelgram #beauty #becoming

i hold so much grief for so many versions of mysel

i hold so much grief for so many versions of myself

.

one year ago i started to get seriously ill and i knew something was very wrong, today scans are coming up and grief is running high. i’m breathing, writing, musing through it, looking back to all these versions of me of the past year, loving them, holding them, thanking them
.

photo 2-5 || october to now + photo 6-10 || life bc (before cancer)
_
#whatcancerlookslike #coloncancer #brafmutation #grief #holdingspace #soften #journal #healing #soften #becoming #moonchild

new moon whispers . a sea of flowers. words scribb

new moon whispers
.
a sea of flowers. words scribbled over and over. softening on the edges. whispers of change.

#newmoon #flowerchild #pisces #feelitall #flow #soften #moonmusings

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