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.grief is a flock of birds. i close my eyes and s

.grief is a flock of birds.

i close my eyes and sense words floating in the air. fragments of stories i want to tell, pieces of myths + music + musings. i cradle them in my hands like little birds, they aren’t strong enough to fly on their own yet and i can’t nourish them right now so i hold them close, i hold them warm, sometimes they can’t handle being so still, so near, so almost and i let them go.

i’m an oracle without a voice and my channelings get stuck in my body and then sink down in the floor completely. i don’t know if they are lost or if they are simply rooting. i don’t know how to be this and not be it at the same time
_
#musings #griefisaflockofbirds #grievingwhatwas #oracle #channel #soften #creation #whatcancerlookslike #lunarliving #moonchild

i’ve always been so committed to showing the dar

i’ve always been so committed to showing the darkness along side the light. to create space for the dark, the show that it can be soft here as well, beautiful in its own way.

i am used to this deep sea/deep soul/deep body diving, and still i recoil from time to time. it’s only natural, it’s only normal.

i’m a scorpio sun, reflector, dark moon baby. i don’t want the superficial, i want all the shades, all the depth. i want to know about the deepest darkest core.

and yet

and yet

it’s been a lot of just darkness lately, or at least it feels like it. no silver linings, no end of the tunnel. just pitch black. and then i wonder if i only like the dark when it’s pretty and palatable and just enough. i wonder how i can be here without being pulled in completely or if maybe getting pulled in completely is the main thing i need right now. i notice how i almost want to curate this experience, make it seem brighter, add a silver lining (or two or three)

but sometimes it’s just darkness, and it’s okay if that makes you uncomfortable because it makes me uncomfortable too

let’s be uncomfortable together
_
#darknightofthesoul #underworld #discomfort #scorpio #witchythings #onbeing #lunarliving #darkmoon #musings #comfortinthediscomfort #thefool #embodiedtarot #intuition

⍕ moon musings ⍕ you are the sun + the moon +

⍕ moon musings ⍕

you are the sun + the moon + everything in between

you can carry immense love + oceans of grief

you can feel intense gratitude + breathtaking grief at the same time

you are a vessel. you are a body. you are water + fire + blood + magic

let yourself be all of these things and so much more. let yourself shapeshift + evolve + die piece by piece by piece
_
#moonmusings #channeledcontent #loverofthemoon #moonchild #fullmoon #duality #embodied #intuitiveliving

the dark moon has always been my companion, diving

the dark moon has always been my companion, diving deep into her whispering magic of softness + beauty in the mess + the unknown. she travels with me, keeps me company in so many ways while i’m in my own dark moon stages.

ive been thinking about death a lot, not in a scary or alarming way, she is just with me in what i do. her presence has become more apparent. of course she is always there, even when we try so hard to believe that life is the only side of the coin we will know. how beautifully naive we are, how hardbreakingly stubborn.

sometimes i think it would be easier if we learned to live with death before we really have to, learned to talk about her. i’m inviting her into my life now, into the good and the bad moments, she’s here with me, like the dark moon, giving things a new shape, a new flavour. i’m learning to not be afraid of her, to talk about her, not in whispers but with ease, with love and softness and sadness. she closer than she has ever been and that’s okay because she is not really that scary. she’s part of the eb and flow, just like the moon.
_
#cancerdiaries #living #death #embodiedtarot #darkmoon #moonchild #softness #sacredspace #tarot #intuitiveliving

i am right in the middle of my grief and sometimes

i am right in the middle of my grief and sometimes it feels like it’s one wave after the other crashing over me, like there is hardly anytime to catch my breath.

it’s hard to be in the middle of a process and grief at the same time. it’s too fresh or too urgent, our nervous systems tell us it’s not safe to go there. first we have to survive, then we get to feel.

so it comes in waves. on days when our bodies feel okay and we feel like we are almost like our old self again and we take a breath of relief and then grief comes around the corner. she’s not here to hurt you, she’s not here to taunt you, she’s here because there’s finally a safe space for her. let her in, she only wants to be seen, she needs some space here too
_
#grief #onbeingsick #cancerdiaries #embodied #mermaid #itcomesinwaves #anxiety #whatyoufeelisvalid #becoming

gut feeling i had this feeling, like a screeching

gut feeling

i had this feeling, like a screeching sound in my mind i couldn’t get rid off entirely. a feeling that something bad was up. i had it in summer and i had it last week. of course when you get diagnosed with cancer it’s very hard to figure out whether that feeling is plain old fear, or trauma, or intuition. but the feeling was there and so was the pain.

i remember telling a friend a few days before the ERvisit that something was up, not okay. calling it a gut feeling is deeply ironic because of course that’s the place of all my not okayness.

turns out my intuition keeps calling all the things before the doctors find them and my body knows. cancers back, 2 months after clear scans, under chemo, way too soon, way too aggressive, and i’m the odd one out yet again.

we named him this time, and we know his deal, he has a dna thing we are going to try to take advantage of (his name is fritz btw, the dna thing is called BRAF but i wouldn’t google that because it will not make you incredibly happy)

so here we go again, against all odds. trusting gut feelings and ironically it feels better than it has before, it can see something i can’t yet (or it’s just coping, who will tell).
_
also a gentle reminder that i’m not a fighter or brave, just someone whose been dealt a crappy hand and is playing the hell out of it
_
#gutfeeling #intuition #feelitall #cancerdiaries #moonchild #thebodyknows #healingjourney #returnofthefritz #brafmutation

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