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recovery diaries #4 every few weeks, i lose mysel

recovery diaries #4

every few weeks, i lose myself. or maybe it’s more that i get lost, in this aching body and these tired bones.

i forget that i am more than them, i forget how to live in them. i forget that this is just a part of me, not the whole.

every few weeks i get lost and i find my way back. every few weeks i do my very best to remember that there is also joy in this body, softness, creativity, love.

i am more than this
i am everything
i am

⍕ g e n t l e r e m i n d e r ⍕ imperfect is

⍕ g e n t l e r e m i n d e r ⍕
imperfect is the new magic

⍕

we need your messy magic

the rituals done in your pjs and with whatever you could find in your kitchen

journaling on an old piece of mail or in your notes app or in your head

devotion in breathing and the steps you take and your pure force of being

𓂀

you don’t need anything but you
you can come exactly as you are
please bring your mess with you
we have to learn how to be messy and still keep going
_
#gentlereminder #messymagic #weneedyourmagic #accessiblemagic #healing #moonchild #ritual #lunarliving #witchythings #oracle #soften

𓂀 living the hierophant 𓂀 channeled musin

𓂀

living the hierophant 𓂀 channeled musings

the time of shoulds is gone, the time for anyone to tell you that this is the way is gone.

you have grown so much, leaped so far, went so deep. this hasn’t just been for the sake of it, it so you trust now, in the process, in yourself, in your own judgement.

everyone is different and there really is no possible way for you to do this the wrong way. all is well. you know what you need. you’ll know when someone’s words will leap up to you and want to be heard and when you just don’t really feel it. trust that, don’t stay where you don’t feel the need to be, don’t listen to advice that makes you feel small or not enough or scared.

now more than ever is the time for trust. you know what is right for you, you know who to let into your precious energy and who not to.
_
#channeledmusings #oracle #thehierophant #intuitivetarot #embodied #livingthetarot #mastery #channel #musings

things i didn’t know about chemo (and you might

things i didn’t know about chemo (and you might not either so i’m sharing them)

there are different types of chemo and the one i get doesn’t make me lose hair and as grateful i am about that it’s also annoying because some people think that means it’s the “easy” kind of chemo and trust me, it’s not

i’ve never been as grateful about anything as getting a port and not having to have my veins pokes every time

it helps to name your chemo. mine is called mister fox (folfox for the people that are in the know) and he is very cute and helping me with the cancer shit

there is a thing like take away chemo, i kid you not. fox on the go!

nurses will always be fascinated when you ask them if you can hold and reiki your chemo before they start

bowels DO NOT LIKE CHEMO AT ALL. like at all

drinking iced tea will be easier than drinking water the first few days after chemo

there are some strange side effects like the way my hand spasms and turns into a lill icicle claw when i touch something cold

you’re not supposed to eat sushi on chemo and that might be the saddest thing ever (same with the sex with a condom)

you haven’t know fatigue until you’ve had chemo and that is coming from a pro nap queen who has had depleted adrenals for years

chemo brain is a thing and sometimes i forget words or can’t figure out how to do simple tasks and decide to just stay in the couch because i can’t figure out what the first step is of getting out of the couch

it’s hard to love something that is helping you survive but at the same time also killing parts of you you kind of love and need

you can have cold chills and hot flashes in the same hour and the hot flashes will start as soon as you have put on two extra sweaters, socks and found your heated blanket

you can’t really imagine what toxic warfare feels like until you’ve been there (and i sincerely hope you never have to) but the closest thing i can think of is having the worst hangover that’s never ending in combination with a very bad flu

good days are the days i am only in pain for an hour and actually manage to go for a walk and maybe read a few pages of a book
_
#cancerdiaries #chemo

there’s still a lot of old programming about “

there’s still a lot of old programming about “doing”, about being productive. there’s still a lot of apologising about needing help, or not being able. there’s still a lot of shame here, and anger.

deepening of lessons i’ve been learning throughout the years. how my mind revolts when my body buckles under her own weight. ideas of “should be” and worth and what it means to be in this worth when you can’t actually do anything.

and before, the lesson was over as soon as the flu or migraine or panic attack was over, and i learned so many things there but still so much remains. this is like a masterclass, a deep dive, when rest is not just an option but the only option, when being sick is not just for a couple of days but forever.

and so i keep reminding myself that my worth is inherent, it doesn’t depend on what i do or how much i do or how productive i am. i remind myself that healing is a full time job and i should treat it as such. i remind myself that resting
is doing, that time is just a construct, that fallow periods are necessary for growth

i remind myself that i am only human and my goal here is to make this body feel as safe as whole as possible, all the rest is just static.
_
#youareworthy #productivitymyth #restisradical #healing #healingisafulltimejob #cancerdiaries #moonchild #cronemedicine #darkmoon

⋒ inner dark moon ⋒ there is an urgency to th

⋒ inner dark moon ⋒

there is an urgency to this time, the softest call, that has always beckoned me but this year is the first time i can truly, fully understand it

i am void
i am the crone
i am winter

i am the darkness of the moon,and her softness too. i think about the thrashing of the waves and how they are at the same time dissolving and becoming and how they are me.

broken and whole
empty and full
_
#moonchild #darkmoonvibes #youarethespell #itcomesinwaves #embodiment #soften #embodiedtarot #intuitivetarot #lunarliving

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