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maximevossen.be

at my first ever visit to the oncology department,

at my first ever visit to the oncology department, the one where they told me i had cancer, i wore lipstick. i remember because it felt ridiculous, given the occasion and also the fact that we had to wear masks so no one would see it. but i would know, and i had to wear it. lipstick made me feel human and strong and in controle. it made me feel like i knew what i was doing and who i was.

this morning when i was getting dressed for my oncology appointment i felt the need to put on lipstick and that memory floated up. again putting on lipstick felt ridiculous, you know with the occasion and the masks. but still i not only wanted to, i had to. to feel a little bit like myself. to feel like more than just a sick person. to celebrate the fact that i’m still here, that i can do this.

this morning they told me my scans were stable and i smiled a big, lipsticked smile underneath my mask, nobody could see either but i sure could feel
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second picture is baby Maxie a few days after diagnosis
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#thisiswhatcancerlookslike #moonchild #oracle #lipstick #makeup #selfcare #coping #empowerment #embodied #bowelcancer #healing #magic #soften #creatrix

reclaiming. becoming. rebirthing i remind myself

reclaiming. becoming. rebirthing

i remind myself that this is a life worth living. it is my mantra, a continuous echo in the hollow of my spine, on the days when i feel like i’m crawling and scratching and barely hanging on, on the days when the light and the softness of my sweater and your voice is so unbearably beautiful.

this is a life. it’s worth living. it beats in my chest and it surges through my veins.

it is
it has to be
i am creating it

i write about all the parts of myself i am missing and how i might invite them back. i miss having a body that has more space, that has room for creation and processes and magic. that isn’t consumed by pain or fatigue or worry. i invite in pieces of my core self through music and the lens of my camera and the rhythm of my words. i wear lipstick and skirts and bask in the sun and call it worship. sometimes i dream i am already dead and i am transformed and another version of me again.

bringing back and letting go. shedding layer after layer after layer and discovering that what is left is always the same and always completely different. i am me. at the core i always am and will be and no experience can take that away.

this is a life worth living and i want to life it through all of its incarnations
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journal musings from this afternoon, sitting in the sun on my favourite bench, photo 4-5 are early 2020 versions of me
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#musings #journal #mantra #soften #becoming #incarnation #creatrix #moonchild #cyclicalliving #grievingpastselves #soul #livinginthevoid #thecrone #blooming #embodiedtarot #rebirth #phoenix #reclamation #lifewithcancer

it’s very fragile, the way my body feels. it can

it’s very fragile, the way my body feels. it can be shifted in a minute by just about anything and there is not a lot i can do about that. being sick, getting treatment, most of it is about allowing people to do, things happening to you and with you. there isn’t agency here. no controle.

a couple of days ago i had an infusion and today i feel frayed around the edges, reminded of the fragility of my health. there’s no a lot i can do about it but there are others things i can do

i get to site outside in the sunshine and write and drink tea. i get to move my body and drop into how good that can feel. i get to take deep nap ms with weights on my hands and eyes, binaural beets in my ears. i focus on hydration. these are the things i get to do to make myself feel better. i get to take care of myself and live in a body that can still feel unmitigated joy, with my face in the sun, a steaming mug of tea in my hands

this what selfcare had turned in for me, supporting my body through it all, holding myself in the process of allowing and letting go
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#selfcare #nervoussystemcare #healing #soften #deeprest #napfluencer #thisiswhatcancerlookslike #supportsystem #embodied #embodiedselfcare #yoga #reiki #bowelcancer #moonchild #cyclicalliving #intuition #nourishment #womenwhorunwiththewolves #wildwoman #crone

a year can make a huge difference last year i was

a year can make a huge difference

last year i was so sick, recuperating from a massive surgery, on a chemo that was breaking me apart and cancer slowly creeping back into my body. i was so skinny and so cold and in so much pain. we celebrated christmas a week early bc i had a chemo infusion scheduled a few days before christmas day. the whole winter of last year was rock bottom, living with a broken spirit in a broken body and not being sure if i would even make it a few more months. and then this year i am here, i still have cancer but for now i’m stable and i can actually do things, i’m not in pain 24/7, i can eat food and celebrate and go for walks and can create. it’s a miracle i’m here, and the way i’m here is even more miraculous.

so this is a gentle reminder, that a year can make all the difference in the world. that there is always a world beyond rock bottom, even when you can’t feel into that while you are in it. this is a gentle reminder that things can be unbearably hard and also incredibly beautiful, that these two realities can (and most of the time) will live right next to each other
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the photographs are a series of right now compared to the same things last year
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#thisiswhatcancerlookslike #coloncancer #darmkanker #braf #lifewithcancer #embodied #soften #duality #alive #healing #becoming #chronicillness #oracle #winter #cyclicalliving #lifedeathrebirth

living and loving for this season the softest af

living and loving for this season

the softest afternoon sunlight and all the rainbows it magically conjures up in our living room. mornings spent on the shaggy rug in front of my altar with a candle and lemon water. drinking cinnamon coffee with whipped cream on our front steps and soaking in the sunshine after lunch. all the writing and reading and musing. listening to tarot lectures and talking on podcasts. dreaming about writing my own book. wearing glitter on my eyes and velvety dresses the colour of wine. going for take out coffee and sticky buns and taking pictures of every flower in de kruidtuin and calling it an adventure. making cosy spots all over the house and using all the pillows and blankets, gathering all the candles and fairy lights. the cats napping as close as possible, always a tail or a paw or a bun resting on me, purring. waking up at night with one cat at my feet and one in the crook of my arm and your hand resting on my arm.

more, more of this please
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#lifewithcancer #thisiswhatcancerlookslike #adventure #soften #magic #healing #soften #kruidtuin #coffee #fairylights #thelittlethings #rituals #catlover #moonchild #alive #chronicillness #incurableillness #bowelcancer #braf

i’m sitting on a soft pillow, cup of tea in hand

i’m sitting on a soft pillow, cup of tea in hand, looking at the flicker of a candle and all these treasures i’ve gathered all around me. there’s a cat sleeping on the cosy chair next to me, journal at my feet, rain pattering on the roof

it’s such a mundane moment, a sweet moment waking up in front of my altar the way i have done a million times before. and it’s also so meaningful because it’s the first time since i got sick that i managed to do it. i’ve missed these mornings at my altar, mornings filled with silence and writing and tarot and crystals and restlessness and connection and feelings

mornings used to be my safe heaven as much as my altar space was. and then for a while mornings became the hardest part of the day. and i missed them, the time for myself to tune in and connect and start my day in a grounded way. this morning felt so familiar but also so magical, it felt like recovering a part of myself,coming home.

little by little i’m coming back to myself

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pic 1-3 current altar spaces, pic 4-5 first altar space i ever created
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#morningritual #cyclicalliving #gratitude #soften #altar #safespace #ritual #healing #meditation #toth #embodiment #oracle #intuition #selfcare #treasures #magpie #abundance #mermaid #moonchild

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