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i’m gathering pieces of myself. slowly putting m

i’m gathering pieces of myself.
slowly putting myself back together.

there are little piles all over the floor of my heart, things that i can let go of now, pieces that have to be reshuffled, parts that can be repurposed. there is a huge pile of all the things that are beautiful and true and there i find glimmers of who i used be and who i am becoming.

i’m not whole, maybe no one ever is. but there are less and less gaping holes at the centre of me, which makes it easier to stand firm. i recognise myself again in the mirror, my tone sound familiar again when i’m writing.

slowly, i gather pieces of myself.
i gather and glue and hold close.
i shift and weave and let go.
_
#becoming #altar #magpie #pullingmyselfbacktogether #thisiswhatcancerlookslike #oracle #embodied

. carve me open + touch my deepest darkest core

.

carve me open +
touch my deepest
darkest core

unraveling, revealing
my water +
the knives i keep tucked
in my bones

.
ii of swords as medicine and companion for the first week of @cosmic.creeper + @heartlandmagic #tarotandpoetrysitin
_
#tarot #intuitivetarot #oracle #embodiedtarot #swords #moonchild #unravel #soften #twoofswords

.sick bodies are worthy. i was browsing the inter

.sick bodies are worthy.

i was browsing the internet today, got an ad for underwear that looked so cute and noticed how i didn’t even click on it “because my body isn’t cute anymore, or sexy, it’s just sick”

it hit me, how i think about myself and this poor body, how apparently i have internalised so many messages about what bodies can and cannot be that it took me a while to catch this.

and then i realised that i don’t just do it with underwear, there are a lot of things i think my body is unworthy of right now. softness. presence. joy. attention.

i can’t stand to be in her for too long and she isn’t doing things the way i am used to so i want to ignore her.

all of these things are true and valid but there’s a more solid truth underneath it all.

this is the body i have. this is the body i’m living in, for better and for worse.

this is the body i will have to make peace with. she’s the truest home i’ll ever have.
_
#embodied #lifewithcancer #home #softening #sickbodiesareworthy #moonchild #oracle #grounding #softbodies #water #ableism #chronicillness #coloncancer #thisiswhatcancerlookslike

⍕ energy report april ⍕. medicine for the mont

⍕ energy report april ⍕. medicine for the month ahead in the form of sturdy cards that are supporting us with a solid foundation
⍕

v hierophant
iv emperor

⍕
ground into your inner voice. lean into your own knowing. it is safe to be here.

“but you look so good” “i wasn’t expectin

“but you look so good”

“i wasn’t expecting you to look this good while i was reading your file”

or my favourite

“oh but i thought she was doing better, she doesn’t look sick”

i can’t even begin to explain how painful this is, everyone telling me how good i look, that i don’t look sick. sure it’s a blessing, but also it’s constantly battling against perception. it’s people with angry looks and nasty whispers when you have to lean on your walking cane in the store because you’re so tired and you’re holding up the line. it’s doctors not believing the amount of pain your are in. it’s distant relatives asking if you are better “yet” when you might not ever get better

_

what you see is that i look okay and my eyes sparkle and i sometimes make it outside of the house. what you don’t see is the 50morphine patch i am wearing, the infection that has been raging in my body for 6 weeks, the bandages i am wearing because puss continues to leak out of my scar, how sometimes i collapse on the floor bc i can’t possibly walk any further, the panic attacks that come with being a stage 4 cancer patient, how tired my experimental meds are making me

i’m holding space for both of these version of me, and i hope in time the world can do the same
_
#ableisme #lifewithcancer #cancerdiaries #chronicillness #butyoulooksogood #whatbeingsicklookslike #whatcancerlookslike #coloncancer #notawarrior #soften #invisableillness #holdingspace

here i feel reduced to my small, vulnerable, anima

here i feel reduced to my small, vulnerable, animal self. i joke with the nurses about my low blood pressure and all these scars i acquired and hospital food. i try not to look them in the eye that one time they have to help me of the bathroom floor after i collapsed in tears and panic and fear and couldn’t support myself to get back up. being sick is normal here, having cancer is normal here. i talk in whispers about pain and nervous system and relapse, i try not to cry when i call people and sometimes i succeed. we all know there is no such thing as privacy here, we all pretend that there is.

every day is a rollercoaster of waiting for doctors and emotions and being fine, no actually slowly collapsing. a day is a week, this place is a ship out at sea, the outside world feels so far.

and i can’t explain it, what it is here that makes me revert to this small, anxious version of me. i can’t eat here, can’t sleep, can’t function. i dream about the nights after the operation last year, morphine induced hazes. i make jokes with the doctor about all the candy i have lying around and how of course i am always that person coming up with weird complications. when he asks me how i’m holding up i smile my polite “thank you for taking care of me” smile but my voice breaks just a little “i can’t be here”

somehow i am, somehow i have been, somehow i keep surprising myself, everytime i say i can’t possibly go on, i do
_
#cancerdiaries #hospital #ptsd #traumaresponse #icandobravethings #coloncancer #grounding #thisiswhathealinglookslike #darmkanker #panicattacks #mentalhealth #embodied

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